Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in Sunflower's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
8:52 pm	I hate my job, I hate my boss. Not happy today. No, I'm not. Dropped angelbeth's package in the mail today. Was going to last night, but was having more car problem's. But I made sara happy with her present. Bright spot in my horrible day. Current Mood: angry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 20th, 2002
8:30 pm	Just tired and blue today. Finally got my meds refilled. But while waiting for them, they forgot to call my name to let me know they were ready. So I waited and waited, until I saw people getting there stuff that had just came in. So they apologized, and I was fine. Until I got home. Then I just wanted to cry because I was so frustrated. So instead of going shopping like I had planned, I went to bed and pulled the covers over my head. Less than 2 weeks now. In fact 1 week and 1 day until I hopefully get new meds. I need prozac. Effexor sucks. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 16th, 2002
7:15 pm	I'm feeling the hollow, numbing pain inside again. Wish I could just "shake it off." Work eval rescheduled until monday. Thank God. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
8:23 pm	Why does it have to be like this? Alright. Teary and crying again, all day. For no reason. Just break out of this mood. Yes, I know lack of sleep is a big part of my problem. I'm not having trouble sleeping, I just don't have time to sleep. But this has always been the case. So why is it worse now? Going in for therapy tomorrow. My first session to evaluate if I am messed up enough to see the shrink. They don't want to waste her time. I'm optomistic about it. But the same time worried that I'll be too reserved, and they'll just tell me I am just wasting there time. That damn act I have going on. I'm OK, don't worry about me. Haven't taken my meds for a while. Don't have any. Don't have a car so I haven't gotten refills. Not that I would have anyway. Stuff didn't help too much. Effexor did help stabalize my mood swings a little, but not much. Ritalin doesn't seem to help at all. Maybe gives me some extra energy, which is good, but I don't see the point in taking it anymore. Pain in the but to get the refills for it every month. Suppose I need to get everything written down I want to talk about tomorrow. I always forget something. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
7:10 pm	I'm probably just paranoid. I think the weird guy is mad at me. When he came into work last night, didn't say a word to me, and when I was talking to him, with no response, I asked him jokingly if he was here, he turned his head and glared at me for a sec. Whatever. But he was talking to the other guy like normal. Bothered me a bit, because I have no idea why he'd be mad at me. OK, it bothered me a lot. Maybe I should just ignore him tonight. Ooops, can't do that. I'll be gone before he gets in tonight, if all goes ok. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 9th, 2002
7:23 pm	Where do I start? Took my boy to ER today. Nothing serious, actually kinda feel silly for taking him in. My appt. has been cancelled. Need to see a therapist first to see if I am crazy enoughto see the shrink. Fuck. Feel like I have to prove that I am sick, just so people will take me serious. This is kinda long, so I'm cutting it. ( Read more... ) Current Mood: gloomy (Comment on this)
7:16 pm	I feel almost normal today, but at the same time, I am more depressed than I have been in a while. Can't really explain. It occurred to me, that maybe a lot of the things that are wrong in my life are my own fault. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 8th, 2002
9:25 am	I feel.... nothing? I binged when I got home last night, and I don't even care. Just don't. Doesn't seem to matter. DH is frustrated with me. Told me to stick to my diet, or just stop dieting. Tired of hearing me complain about my weight, tired of seeing me beat myself up over it. If I stop obsessing about food, and my weight, then I have to think about other things. Things I want to avoid. I was cleaning out my emails at work, and my desk, the other day, and found copies of the IM conversations I had with the bitch. Deleted them and shredded the paper copies. Last night, I cleaned out my car, and found a few pages that slipped under the seat. I want her to vanish. I want her never to have come into our lives. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
9:36 pm	So I have an appt. I called when I got to work. Dialed a few times, and hung up during the into message. Why should that be so hard? SO... I got a referal, and picked a name, and called. Thrown for a loop at first when the receptionist answered. Family services. That is where my son and I went during the DIVORCE. Very ugly time. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:41 pm	Conversation w/ my son Just sitting on the couch, watching TV and out of nowhere... Son: I'm sorry, mom. Me: Why? son: I'm sorry I made you mad. me: What? You didn't make me mad. son: I must have, your mad, or something. me: I'm not mad, so don't apologize if you haven't done anything. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
1:33 pm	Ok - I HAVE to call today. I got the number written in my notebook, so I don't have that excuse. But I WANT privacy. The kids are being fussy, and I can't get a minute alone. I just don't have any privacy at all anymore. DH says I need to motivate myself. Well, fuck him. He doesn't understand that all I want to do is cry right now. But I am pushing ahead. Trying to the things that have to be done. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
11:54 pm	Tired. As usual. Wanting to cry. No reason. Too many emotional highs and lows today. Was very glad to get to work. But no it is finally, time to go home and try to sleep. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
5:38 pm	Feel so vacant. Just going through the motions today. Just eating more and more chocolate. Placebo to make me feel better. Not really working. Need to sleep for a whole week. Maybe more. Didn't call mental health, yet again. Why do I do this? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 21st, 2002
9:28 am	Fat and depressed. Hate being like this. I try so hard to not be this way. Nothing works. Or I am not trying hard enough. I am a waste. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
8:36 pm	Privacy No one wants to hear my whining. Life sucks. That's all. (Comment on this)