Sunflower

Thu, 22 Aug 2002 01:55:46 GMT

I hate my job, I hate my boss. Not happy today. No, I'm not.

Dropped angelbeth's package in the mail today. Was going to last night, but was having more car problem's.

But I made sara happy with her present. Bright spot in my horrible day.

Wed, 21 Aug 2002 01:32:49 GMT

Just tired and blue today. Finally got my meds refilled. But while waiting for them, they forgot to call my name to let me know they were ready. So I waited and waited, until I saw people getting there stuff that had just came in. So they apologized, and I was fine. Until I got home. Then I just wanted to cry because I was so frustrated. So instead of going shopping like I had planned, I went to bed and pulled the covers over my head.

Less than 2 weeks now. In fact 1 week and 1 day until I hopefully get new meds. I need prozac. Effexor sucks.

Sat, 17 Aug 2002 00:20:02 GMT

I'm feeling the hollow, numbing pain inside again.
Wish I could just "shake it off."

Work eval rescheduled until monday. Thank God.

Why does it have to be like this?

Thu, 15 Aug 2002 01:36:32 GMT

Alright. Teary and crying again, all day. For no reason. Just break out of this mood. Yes, I know lack of sleep is a big part of my problem. I'm not having trouble sleeping, I just don't have time to sleep. But this has always been the case. So why is it worse now?

Going in for therapy tomorrow. My first session to evaluate if I am messed up enough to see the shrink. They don't want to waste her time. I'm optomistic about it. But the same time worried that I'll be too reserved, and they'll just tell me I am just wasting there time. That damn act I have going on. I'm OK, don't worry about me.

Haven't taken my meds for a while. Don't have any. Don't have a car so I haven't gotten refills. Not that I would have anyway. Stuff didn't help too much. Effexor did help stabalize my mood swings a little, but not much. Ritalin doesn't seem to help at all. Maybe gives me some extra energy, which is good, but I don't see the point in taking it anymore. Pain in the but to get the refills for it every month.

Suppose I need to get everything written down I want to talk about tomorrow. I always forget something.

I'm probably just paranoid.

Wed, 14 Aug 2002 00:18:02 GMT

I think the weird guy is mad at me. When he came into work last night, didn't say a word to me, and when I was talking to him, with no response, I asked him jokingly if he was here, he turned his head and glared at me for a sec. Whatever. But he was talking to the other guy like normal. Bothered me a bit, because I have no idea why he'd be mad at me. OK, it bothered me a lot. Maybe I should just ignore him tonight. Ooops, can't do that. I'll be gone before he gets in tonight, if all goes ok.

Sat, 10 Aug 2002 01:06:22 GMT

Where do I start? Took my boy to ER today. Nothing serious, actually kinda feel silly for taking him in.

My appt. has been cancelled. Need to see a therapist first to see if I am crazy enoughto see the shrink. Fuck. Feel like I have to prove that I am sick, just so people will take me serious.

This is kinda long, so I'm cutting it.

Got my order today. But where is the one I placed a week earlier? That's the one I wanted. Probably lost. Screw them.

Have to work in the MORNING! Fuck, I'm never gonna get any sleep. I know that only makes my depression worse.

DH says he does everything. Sometimes he says he understands, and other times he gets mad at me. I'm a screw up. That's all.

I'm selfish. I want some time to myself. I want sleep. I want to take naps in the afternoon. I want to do things that make me happy. DH says I can't. Have to be responsible. Kids, house, work. No time for me. If I slow down, lets things slide, try to find my sanity, he gets on my case. I have to account for my. I don't matter anymore. He's right. The kids should come first before anything else. I'm just weak.

I haven't been able to get HER off my mind lately. Keep remembering things that happened. They just made feel so stupid, and useless, and fat, and ugly, and pathetic. Went to the free counseling over this. Didn't do me any good. He lied to me over and over again. He deserves what I did to him. But I was a fucking bitch for doing it.

Made coffee tonight. Need the energy, and drinking a lot of coffee helps me not eat. Took a stacker, too. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be the person I used to be.

I have been watching Sara descend from a more or less happy-go-lucky kinda person to a depressed abused suicidal cutting anorexic/bulemic. I have wanted so much to be able to help her. But I know she won't listen to anyone. Just like I won't listen to anyone. Not even my better judgement. I know better. I just refuse to let myself believe it. From the beginning, I have been thinking she is such a cool person. I wish I was more like her. I suppose I am in some ways. Why does that please me, when I get so sad for her? Sick in the mind.

My scars still show. It's been about two months since I cut my leg and burned it. I'm glad. A reminder of how fucked up I am. When they fade, I'll have to mark them again. Ha! I don't even cut for the right reasons. I like the scars, not the cutting. Reminders.

I am so close to just quitting my job. I'm such a fuck up, what would it matter? The paycheck is all. But we could get around that. Somehow. And this is the only job I've ever liked.

Wish I had something to numb the pain. The ever present, just under the surface, pain. The pain that made my chest so tight it hurt. The pain that kept me from leaving my apartment for days. I want an end to it.

I know I am being irrational right now. So I don't need anyone telling me they are sorry for me, or that things are not that bad. I know my view is somewhat distorted. But it is how I feel at the moment. Tomorrow, I may feel happy and silly again.

Sat, 10 Aug 2002 00:20:19 GMT

I feel almost normal today, but at the same time, I am more depressed than I have been in a while. Can't really explain. It occurred to me, that maybe a lot of the things that are wrong in my life are my own fault.

Thu, 08 Aug 2002 14:32:03 GMT

I feel.... nothing?

I binged when I got home last night, and I don't even care. Just don't. Doesn't seem to matter. DH is frustrated with me. Told me to stick to my diet, or just stop dieting. Tired of hearing me complain about my weight, tired of seeing me beat myself up over it. If I stop obsessing about food, and my weight, then I have to think about other things. Things I want to avoid.

I was cleaning out my emails at work, and my desk, the other day, and found copies of the IM conversations I had with the bitch. Deleted them and shredded the paper copies. Last night, I cleaned out my car, and found a few pages that slipped under the seat. I want her to vanish. I want her never to have come into our lives.

Thu, 08 Aug 2002 02:43:08 GMT

So I have an appt. I called when I got to work. Dialed a few times, and hung up during the into message. Why should that be so hard? SO... I got a referal, and picked a name, and called. Thrown for a loop at first when the receptionist answered. Family services. That is where my son and I went during the DIVORCE. Very ugly time.

Conversation w/ my son

Wed, 07 Aug 2002 18:44:17 GMT

Just sitting on the couch, watching TV and out of nowhere...

Son: I'm sorry, mom.
Me: Why?
son: I'm sorry I made you mad.
me: What? You didn't make me mad.
son: I must have, your mad, or something.
me: I'm not mad, so don't apologize if you haven't done anything.

Wed, 07 Aug 2002 18:38:52 GMT

Ok - I HAVE to call today. I got the number written in my notebook, so I don't have that excuse. But I WANT privacy. The kids are being fussy, and I can't get a minute alone. I just don't have any privacy at all anymore.

DH says I need to motivate myself. Well, fuck him. He doesn't understand that all I want to do is cry right now. But I am pushing ahead. Trying to the things that have to be done.

Wed, 07 Aug 2002 04:59:44 GMT

Tired. As usual. Wanting to cry. No reason.

Too many emotional highs and lows today. Was very glad to get to work. But no it is finally, time to go home and try to sleep.

Tue, 23 Jul 2002 22:41:55 GMT

Feel so vacant. Just going through the motions today. Just eating more and more chocolate. Placebo to make me feel better. Not really working. Need to sleep for a whole week. Maybe more.

Didn't call mental health, yet again. Why do I do this?

Sun, 21 Jul 2002 14:27:52 GMT

Fat and depressed. Hate being like this. I try so hard to not be this way. Nothing works. Or I am not trying hard enough. I am a waste.

Privacy

Wed, 03 Jul 2002 01:39:31 GMT

No one wants to hear my whining. Life sucks.

That's all.